Currently Somebody That I Used To Know (Gotye Feat. Kimbra Acoustic Sessions Tribute) see related

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Currently Blink 182 By Blink 182 Down see related

Butterflies

Its been so long since I've had them I don't even know what they feel like anymore. Last time was possibly March... maybe even over a year ago... maybe longer. I've just learned to be so pessimistic and skeptical of everything... its like I'm desensitizing myself to emotion. I don't even know how to handle other people's emotions. Like when my roommates get upset about stuff... all I can offer is an "i'm sorry" and possibly an awkward hug if its serious enough. I don't even want to get started with my situation at home. I literally have to pretend I'm oblivious to everything thats going on... or I might start crying.

Luckily today I realized I can still handle good feelings at least. I'm more than stoked to see my roommate Ellie developing a serious crush on this guy. Mainly because one of her loser friends from home has been toying with her emotions for the past 4 years and she hasn't been able to get over it until recently. Seeing her beaming smile and listening to her describe her butterflies... reminds me of my happier times 4 years ago... When my butterflies were in full effect. I miss it. I miss being able to experience those emotions without having to worry that I might feel like a complete fool afterwards.

Everything is so serious now. I'm so serious... all I can do is throw myself into my responsibilities so that I dont have to think about the future or my broken family. Last year my mom told me that you can't marry just for love. This year she told me she would never do it again... it was the hardest thing she had to do, and i'm pretty sure she said something along the lines of it being a mistake. I didnt really have much to say. My mom is usually right, but in my heart I know when you find that one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.... it has to work out. I know life can get in the way and not everything has a fairytale ending... but I still have hope. Hope that I can get my butterflies back soon.

Currently Neighborhoods [Deluxe Edition] By blink-182 After Midnight see related

Head vs. Heart

Girls are crazy.... but its guys that make them that way. I am no exception to that rule.

Last week Selina made a post on facebook that her and some other girls were out at a club, even though it was completely made up and they were all just sitting at home. I thought she was crazy for doing that just to make Evan jealous... to make him miss her, or whatever else her intentions were. I thought to myself "I would never do that". I would never make up a lie just to make someone jealous. thats so immature. But at the same time who am I to judge someone else. She is obviously going through a hard time emotionally. ( and to think almost a year ago I was so jealous of her relationship with evan).

Through out the past couple of years/months I have been going back and forth with my feelings. From the start my head told me what I was doing was foolish, that I would probably get hurt in the end.... but all of that was overshadowed by how happy being with Jared made me. I had never felt like that before in my entire life. Obviously things didn't work out for a number of reasons, but I'd rather not rehash the events of the past. bottom line feelings were hurt on both sides, and despite all of that and how many times I've told my self what I'm doing is self destructive and naive...I can't fight how I feel after all these years. My current mindset is to err on the side of caution.... a couple of weeks ago I was still sure that Jared was the one, that we had a future together and that all I had to do was wait it out. Now its been 7 months since I have last seen him and it will be a total of 9 months before I see him again. I am just at a loss in terms of what to do. I still really want to be with him, but I just don't know how things are going to work out. We still talk every weekend ( usually alcohol induced) and I'm really grateful that he is still in my life. Jared is one of my best friends and I care so much about him, but what if the timing is never right.

And in the back of my mind I am always wondering if Jared hooks up with other girls now that we're not together... which is fine, he is single so he can do whatever he wants and I just want him to be happy. But at the same time I can't say my feelings wouldn't be hurt just a little, which is stupid cuz yeah.... Honestly I would rather not know though... after college is over I would rather just move forward and keep our friendship about us and not about stupid shit like that.

I just have to not think about all of this too much and not take it too personally when Jared doesn't seem to care about me as much as I care about him. I guess in the end I can't help but to keep my guard up.... but at the same time no matter what happens I will never be able to change how much I love him.

Currently Plans By Death Cab for Cutie Summer Skin see related

I don't mean to sound conceited...

Or full of myself... or to come off as overall just having an opinion of myself that is way too high... but it is probably going to sound like it anyways so whatever. But honestly I can not be good friends with a guy without getting the feeling that well they want something more from me. Like seriously... anytime I get to really know a guy and I would just like nothing more than to be like best friends with them, I get this vibe that they just want to hook up with me.... and I don't think I'm crazy for thinking this way... at least not everytime. For example... in high school there was ryan lee. He is a super nice guy that I legitimately enjoyed talking to, but almost everyone (including me) knew he wanted to get with me. And it put me in this super awkward situation, where I didn't want to ruin my friendship, but at the same time hanging out was just uncomfortable. I don't even want to talk about freshman year of college... although that is when I met adeolu and he is a legit dude that I've never felt uncomfortable around (hence why we are best friends lol) So i suppose there are a few wonderful exceptions to every rule. But that is why it has just been easier to have really close girlfriends... not so much guy friends. I've been hanging out a lot with Larry this summer, but I see him more as a little brother... and I'm hoping feelings aren't developing or anything, but I'm not too worried about that situation. Robert however I am concerned about... I don't think I can hang out with him very much longer without things getting weird. Its a shame that we can't just be friends because he is a really cool dude, but its just like no...

Like he asked me if I would consider having a boyfriend senior year... and my answer was straight up no. and I'm pretty sure everyone knows why. First off, being in a relationship is more of a hassle than I care to deal with at this point in my life. But most of all it is because I'm still completely hung up on Jared. Like I just love him.. and I always will. No one can compare to him... and that fact alone will prevent me from doing so much as make out with a guy. Maybe I'm holding myself back... or maybe I'm just waiting for something better than I could ever find in Arizona. That is just where I am in my life right now. Trust me, I plan on having the time of my life this coming school year , but I know what I want in terms of my future and if other people don't understand that then they need to back the fuck off. I'm just waiting for this year to be over so I can actually go home.....

And today I really thought about what home means to me. Like what my sense of home is.... and its back in Summer of 2008. Being in Chino Hillsa and spending everyday with Jared... just doing random stuff and not really caring too much about the future.... thats the home I've always wanted to go back to. Thats probabaly why last summer sucked so much... like I was legitimately unhappy almost 50% of the time... and it was just frustrating. This summer is definitely not one of my favorites, but to be honest it has not been bad at all. I've been keeping busy, meeting new people and getting shit done, and ultimately working towards my future...so that I can finally go home once and for all.

Currently Con By Tegan & Sara Call it Off see related

Should be finishing a lab report...

but of course.... i need to distract myself with useless blogging first. Upon some self reflection today I realized something that has always been true, but I had never really noticed until now. There are essentially two sides to me. There is nice Lauren... who will gladly smile and do anything you ask her to. Then there is stupid bitch Lauren... who does total bitch things, but is very low key about it. The fact that the bitch things are kept under wraps only makes nice Lauren seem more nice. Only people who really know me know of both sides.... luckily for them I probably wouldn't pull the dumb bitch shit on them cuz if they are that close to me I probably like these people. I know I sound all crazy talking about myself in the third person and what not, but that is besides the point. The real point is that I need to grow a backbone and not be afraid to stand up for myself... instead of avoiding confrontation and ultimately making myself look like the bad guy. For example, I have been helping my friend with his physics hw for the past 6 weeks now, which basically means I have been doing it for him because his grandmother was in the hospital. Nice Lauren could not say no. But bitch Lauren didn't want to put up with it anymore so she just ignored his texts instead of being upfront with him and telling him to do his own damn hw. However this only perpetuates the problem instead of fixing it... and that is the story of my life.

Now that I have realized the errors of my ways I will work on fixing them. However I know this will not happen over night because for some reason I have this strong urge to help people and a slight inability to say no.